Sometimes things get tough.

SO Luke woke me up at a quarter to five this morning. The house was quiet and had a nice early morning glow. Something I don't usually get to enjoy before the morning chaos ensues. I realized that this was probably my chance for some almost just me time to set the stage for the rest of the day. I decided to work on my blog, as it has been badly neglected since the move. I also pulled up lds.org so that I could pull the audio scriptures or a talk from general conference. Reading in the morning helps me keep a better perspecive and quite frankly be nicer longer. I hit the wrong button and landed on a Mormon messages video. I watched it anyway. It impacted me so much this morning that I felt like if my blog is my record or little flashes from my life, then this woman's story is one I want to remember. She could be anyone. She could be me...

I hope I will remember that as I struggle to feel pretty, or stylish, or bothered by the repetition of sick baby bouncing, shoe finding or pouring endless amounts or cereal that are inevitably abandoned half eaten. In the video someone says that we are closest to God in our struggles. I love that because it is so true. The spirit of comfort that I have received during some of the hardest struggles of my life I know can only come from a loving, and always near Father in Heaven.

I think I first learned that when my Grampa died. We were close and though in many ways we couldn't have been more different, I felt like we understood each other. I was sixteen and could barley handle myself seeing my fortress of a hero so beaten down and fighting against the help he needed and lamenting being a burden. We talked about other small things the last time I saw him. But I could hardly handle it as I knew he was saying goodbye to me without saying it. Later I had one more chance to see him off and I couldn't do it. He would have seen me cry for him and I didn't want that for either of us. I was young, but now I wish I would have had that memory. Someday I will have my Grampa back and that will be a good day. It was when he actually died that I was amazed at the peace I felt- total peace. I knew that even though I would mourn his absence, everything was going to be just fine.

I felt that again when I lost my fourth pregnancy. I had really wanted that baby and estimating my pregnancy at 11 wks I was feeling pretty confident that things would work out this time (I had a very early miscarriage a couple months earlier). It was hard calling the doctor, being in crowded hallways after seeing my ultrasound, it was dark and hushed. So it was such a blessing as I got home with my husband and began to enjoy a serenity totally misplaced. We had two of the most happily tender days I can remember having. Grief and discomfort were only secondary to me as we waited to loose our baby. I had my wonderful husband, we both had the Lord and the Lord had our baby. Somehow it all seemed okay.

I know those times are important because when we let the Lord know that we are willing to turn to him for comfort, he is able to show us his love in ways we just don't experience when we are already enjoying life. These memories help me remember on a daily basis where my joys and comfort come from. It helps me enjoy life, keep a sense of humor, put away fears for what happens next.

Here's the video link- Watch it, it's good.
LDS.org - Mormon Messages: "Life"